The boss is not always right, but he is ALWAYS THE BOSS!!!
(English saying)
Our boss is a liar. But fair. He deceives everyone without exception.
You can only rely on what resists.
Blaise Pascal
A weak person doubts before making a decision; strong - after.
Karl Kraus
Treat those below you the same way you would want those above you to treat you.
Seneca
It is more difficult to control those who crave fame and pleasure than those who want bread.
P. Buast
If something doesn’t get to you, then you are either stupid or a big boss.
The boss joked exhaustively: others had no time for jokes.
Create legends about yourself. The gods started with this.
Stanislav Lec
A flock of lions led by a ram can lose to a herd of rams led by a lion.
Folk wisdom
Of all abilities, the most difficult and rarest is the ability to manage.
Sommeri
If a foolish boss acted smartly, don’t be surprised. Well, a man made a mistake, never happens to...
Try to be smart, not rich: you can lose wealth, but rationality is always with you.
Aesop
Any instruction that is transmitted by a superior boss through a subordinate will be understood in the exact opposite sense.
Ilnitsky
The less democracy there is, the more bosses there are.
D. Volkogonov
What is “I’m the boss - I’m a fool, you’re the boss - you’re a fool”?
- Labor collective, consisting of one person!
If your boss tells the same jokes year after year, it’s more tactful to laugh in different places.
V. Brudzinski
Fear of rulers is rarely fear of their intellect.
V. Shwebel
The most important formula for success is knowing how to treat people.
Theodore Roosevelt
A boss's rank is determined by the number of people who suffer from his mistakes.
Anyone who pays their employees with groundnuts shouldn't be surprised to find themselves surrounded by screaming chimpanzees.
A management structure in which ten or more direct subordinates are focused on the manager is a heart attack.
V. Tereshchenko
A fruitful exchange of opinions: you come to your boss with your opinion, you leave with his opinion.
Impoliteness between equals is unsightly, but on the part of a superior it is tyranny.
Lope de Vega
Three minutes of laughter at your boss is equivalent to a quarterly bonus, five minutes of laughter is the 13th salary.
An organization is the elongated shadow of one single person.
Ralph Emerson
They believe that success comes to those who get up early. No, success comes to those who get up in a good mood.
Marcel Achard
One and only one person must be responsible for every assigned task.
O. Bismarck
Never trust a subordinate who does not find any faults with his superiors.
D. Collins
The most important thing is to be able to distinguish the important from the urgent.
Evgeniy Kashcheev
Our director is a pure baby: what’s wrong is immediately a cry.
For a boss, there are always only two types former employees: employees who are not capable of anything, and employees who are capable of everything.
Anyone who blames others for his failures, logically speaking, must also acknowledge their share in his successes.
Howard W. Newton
The boss conceived new idea and this made everyone sick in the morning.
In higher positions, as well as in extremely elevated areas, people are subject to dizziness.
P. Buast
The desire to command in an area foreign to oneself is tyranny.
S. Dovlatov
Anyone who knows nothing can take on anything.
Stanislav Lec
The best leaders are those whose existence the people do not notice.
Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher
A friend in power is a lost friend.
Henry Brooks Adams
Each flaw has a first and last name.
S. Ordzhonikidze
Smile - the boss loves idiots.
The man who knows "how" will always find a job, and the man who knows "why" will be his boss.
Diana Reivich
A real manager is one whose working time is sufficient to complete all the tasks assigned to him. Lee Iacocca
When persuading, do not use power until you have exhausted all other means.
A monologue is a conversation between a boss and a subordinate.
The boss is like a bad wife - you have to agree with all his stupidity, just to get behind.
“Divide and conquer” is a wise rule, but “unite and direct” is even better.
I. Goethe
Bosses often forget that their subordinates are people too and don’t want to think either.
L. Lisovsky
The success of a businessman depends 15% on his professional skills and 85% on his ability to communicate with people.
A person should go about his business as if he had nowhere to look for help.
D. Halifax
Don't drink at work, you'll become a boss.
Leaders are divided not into young and old, but into smart and fools.
A person's indispensability is judged by the number of his deputies.
Danil Rudy
Secret good choice employees is simple - you need to find people who themselves want to do what you would like them to do.
G. Selye
Danish proverb
You should refrain from speculating on the stock exchange in two cases: if you do not have funds, and if you do have them.
Mark Twain
Subordinates have two vacations, the first is their own, the second is the boss’s vacation.
I don't need employees who can only assent. I want everyone to tell me the truth to my face, even if they get fired for it.
A smart boss's deputy is always smart.
Mikhail Genin
To lead means to be able to change style.
A good manager makes people first, and then money.
Leonid S. Sukhorukov
Tell me what you can't do, and I'll think about who to appoint you to.
Mikhail Genin
As the year of the goat passed, luck began to turn away from my boss......
For subordinates, both discord between superiors and their unanimity are equally harmful.
A person who has not become a boss by the age of 46 will never be useful for anything again.
Cyril Parkinson
I consider my most valuable quality to be my ability to arouse enthusiasm in people and develop what is best in a person through recognition of his merits and encouragement.
Ch. Schwab
The higher you rise, the harder it is for others to understand whether you are doing your job or not.
Allan Cohen
If a director shows initiative, he thinks about the future. If an employee takes initiative, talk about the consequences.
Not observing employees means leaving your wallet open to them.
B. Franklin
Imagination: a quality of the mind that makes us think that we would be a much better leader than our boss.
To lead people, follow them.
Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher
What is the difference between a boss and the sun? The sun has breaks between eclipses.
Only those who know how to command can command.
Apuleius
On average, a boss is twice as stupid as he thinks he is, and twice as smart as his subordinates think.
"Lieberman's 2nd Law"
A person who knows “how” will always find a job, and a person who knows “why” will be his boss.
Diana Reivich
It’s easy to bend in front of your boss, but it’s difficult to straighten up.
There is no need to look for a path to victory - we need to create such conditions so that all paths lead to it!!!
In my opinion, if the authorities do not harm us, then this is already a considerable blessing.
Pierre Beaumarchais
Chief, remember! White (not tanned) color indicates employees who still want to go on vacation!
A person deprived of the ability to make important decisions begins to consider any decisions that he can make important.
S. Parkinson
There are such people that being under their command is the end...
It’s difficult with three, and when you learn to organize three, then the number doesn’t matter.
Valentin Chernykh, screenwriter of the film "Moscow Doesn't Believe in Tears"
When I was a switchman, I thought: what a fool the station manager is. Then he became the station chief. If your salary has been reduced, tighten your belt... around your boss's neck!
Aman Tuleyev
There were a lot of opinions, only the boss’s opinion turned out to be indisputable.
Don't let those who work for you live too calmly. Don't let them get a firm foothold. Always do the opposite of what they expect from you. Let them worry and look over their shoulders all the time.
Henry Ford
While you measure seven times, others will cut!
Managing is like holding a dove in your hand. If you squeeze harder, you’ll kill him; if you loosen your grip, he’ll fly away.
Tommy Lasorda, American baseball coach
For a born boss, all ailments begin on Friday evening and end on Monday morning.
S. Parkinson
There are no unsolvable problems, only unpleasant solutions.
E. Born
If today's horoscope promises you new sexual sensations, do not flatter yourself - perhaps your boss will call you in...
The master sees more than four servants.
Danish proverb
It is not the one who is right who is right, but the one who has more rights.
There is nothing more difficult, more dangerous and more uncertain than leading the introduction of a new order of things, because every innovation has ardent enemies who lived well in the old way, and sluggish supporters who are not sure whether they can live in the new way.
Niccolo Machiavelli
Listen, don't you think that our new boss a little bit dumb!
- Where did you get the idea?
- Yesterday he asked me three times why I’m not working?
A nervous person is not the one who shouts at a subordinate - he is simply a boor.
A nervous person is one who shouts at his boss.
This fall, I decisively went to ask for a promotion from my boss at work.
And now I timidly and hesitantly ask for alms from the church...
Seretarsha asks the boss:
- Darling, why is your wife looking at me so suspiciously?
- Because she herself was once my secretary!
Boss phrase: “I have a great idea! - a clear sign that you now have some kind of stupid job.
Chief to subordinate:
- Andrey, return to your workplace!
- What about the magic word?
- I’ll fire you!!!
— What is the inequality between men and women at work?
“The boss has both of them, but only women go on maternity leave.”
I learned the expression “seagull management” today. This is when the boss flies in, screams, shits and flies away.
Chief at the meeting:
— Dear colleagues! Whichever of you fulfills the plan the fastest this year will receive chocolate from me.
- Chief, we need a salary...
- So, it’s starting! I already bought chocolates!
The head of the institution reprimands one of his employees:
— How could you come to read a newspaper in working hours?!
- Oh, so there’s no point in starting to read a new book when vacation is just around the corner!..
The secretary introduces a young man into the director’s office:
- Comrade director, I brought my fiancé so that he can see how old, bald and ugly you are.
Secretary to the boss:
- This is probably for your phone...
- Why, perhaps?
- They just asked: “Is this you, a bearded goat”?
It's the boss's birthday. Employees agonize over flattering epithets for the text of a greeting card. And then the system administrator enters the room.
All at once to him:
-Can you say good things about our boss?
The system administrator answers without hesitation:
- Stupid narcissistic fagot!
General wild delight:
- Really well said! So let’s write it down: he is extremely smart, knows his own worth and, most importantly, treats all his subordinates with care.
There's news in the office - the old boss quit, and now there's a new one.
1. The new boss gathers his subordinates in his office and says:
- Now everything will be different for you. Starting from the schedule. Monday and Tuesday - preparation for the working day. Wednesday is a working day. Thursday and Friday - preparation for the weekend. Saturday and Sunday are days off.
One of the subordinates:
- How long will we continue to plow on Wednesdays?
2. Fire. Firemen are rushing around the floors, smoke, fumes, bustle. To one room
The crew chief flies in and sees this picture - his fighter is calm
fucks the girl. The boss yells:
-Are you crazy?
- Yes, I’m okay, Comrade Lieutenant. Well, I saved the girl, otherwise she was suffocating
at all. Here, I’m doing artificial respiration.
— What artificial respiration? Artificial respiration is performed mouth to mouth.
“Well, that’s actually how I started.”
3. - Do you see dreams every day?
- No, only when the boss is not at work!
4. An inspector arrived at the prison. After the check, he asks the prison warden:
“The only thing I don’t understand is why, with such unreliable security, no one has escaped yet?”
“And I allow prisoners to watch the news on TV.”
5. Three big bosses are driving in a car, discussing where their wives like to relax in the summer.
— Mine usually flies to the Canaries.
— And mine loves Jurmala.
— I’m sending mine to Sochi.
Ask the driver:
- Vasya, where are you going?
- No, I’m fucking her myself.
6. The boss praises the beautiful blonde secretary:
- Well done, only 2 mistakes!
- Thank you!
- Now write the second word!
7. The boss says to the new employee:
— First, sweep the office floor!
- Sir, but I graduated from Cambridge!
- Okay, give me a broom, I'll show you how it's done!
8. - Fima, what do you say for such wisdom: “Happy is not the one who has everything, but the one who has nothing extra”? - Monya, I absolutely agree with her! If I remove my mother-in-law, boss and tax office, I will still be happy!
Ridiculous jokes about the boss
9. - Listen, don’t you think that our new boss is a little stupid! - Where did you get the idea? - Yesterday he asked me three times why I’m not working?
10. Repairs have been started at the police department. The work is being carried out on a self-employed basis. At the next meeting, the boss sets a task for the patrolmen and the sobering-up station: - Starting next week, plumbers and carpenters are no longer needed. We are starting to finish the façade. Plasterers and painters will be needed.
11. The head of the prison addresses the death row inmate sitting in the electric chair: - What is your last wish? - Please hold my hand. I'll be calmer this way.
12. The boss presses the button and says to his secretary: “Lenochka, two coffees, please!” »
Voice from the speaker: “Andrey Petrovich, can you leave me alone for the weekend? Get away from the intercom! »
13. The director brings the secretary into the office and begins to tear off her dress.
Ta: - Ivan Petrovich, at least close the door!
- You can’t, Klava, you can’t! They will also think that we are drinking vodka here.
14. A sofa is taken out of the director’s office. The secretary asks the boss in amazement:
— Can I consider myself fired???
15. Employees of one company drank on the sly from their boss at work. Alcoholic drink
didn't leave a smell behind. After some time, the boss calls
drunkard.
“If you’re going to drink,” he tells them, “then drink alcohol with flavor.” Let visitors
They think they're dealing with drunk professionals rather than sober idiots!
16. The patron addresses one of his employees:
- I asked to hang my order in a place where everyone
could see him for sure.
- Yes, yes, Mr. Director. I so cleverly glued it to
the ass of Mademoiselle Josette, our sexiest
secretary, which she didn't even notice.
17. An employee was late for work and ran into his boss in the corridor:
“You’re two whole hours late!” Do you have good reason?
- Yes, I was preparing to become a father.
- ABOUT! Congratulations... And when will this happen?
- In nine months...
Very funny ones are also waiting for you.
Do you dream of becoming a boss? Keep in mind, bosses are the heroes of popular jokes, and absolutely deservedly so. Anyone who has worked for an uncle at least once knows how many unnecessary, meaningless things he comes up with for his subordinates, complicating the work process. Objections or complaints with the boss always risk dismissal. In fact, this is the only thing they all put pressure on. “I’m the boss, you’re a fool” is a well-known phrase. But in reality, the boss himself is the fool, and in jokes even more so.
Two subordinates and a boss accidentally find a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears from there.
The Wizard says:
- Usually I offer three wishes, but there are three of us, so everyone can realize only one wish.
First subordinate:
- Me first! I wanted to be in the Bahamas now, on a beautiful ship, without problems.
Disappears.
- Now I!!! - shouts the second subordinate. - I would like to be in the Caribbean, with a beautiful girl and a source of exotic delicious cocktails.
He also disappears.
- What do you want? - the genie says to the boss.
Chief:
- So that they can be back in the office in the morning.
The moral of the story is: always let the boss speak first!
A grave mistake was made in the office, which had dire consequences. An angry boss runs into the room and grabs his subordinate by the chest:
- One of us is an idiot: it’s either you or me!
Subordinate (confident and calm):
- Excuse me, were you able to employ an idiot in such a good service?
The boss is arguing with the secretary. She snaps:
- But you signed all the documents at once, and upside down!
- So that’s how you put them for me...
Boss to employee:
- Why were you late for work?
- My wife broke her head.
- What do you have to do with it?
- What does this have to do with it? The head was mine!
How's your boss? Is he good to work with?
- Wonderful person! You don't have to work with him at all!
If you have enough work and you can’t, as they say, “break up” - don’t worry, your boss will definitely break you up...
Labor made man from a monkey. And it must happen that this particular person is my boss...
At a party, the wife of one of the employees approached a respectable man:
- Tell me, is it you? general manager companies?
- Yes, how could you guess?
- My husband copies you in a funny way, everyone always laughs out loud!
The boss gathers his employees for an internal meeting on Monday:
- Today is Monday, a difficult day, you need to move away from the weekend, not stress too much; On Tuesday you can already start swinging and working; on Wednesday it is important to work hard. Thursday, as you understand, is practically Friday, and Friday is usually a short day... Does anyone have any questions?
- Eat! How long will the horror with Wednesday continue??!!
The director teaches the employee:
- When I wave my hand, it means that you must come to me.
- It's clear. And when I shake my head, it means that I will never come near.
The head of the department scolds an employee who is constantly late. The employee makes excuses:
- You see, I’m growing small child, he constantly cries and I don’t get enough sleep.
- Don't get enough sleep? - the boss asks again. - Then why not bring the baby with you to the office?
Remember: you can drink vodka with your boss. But the boss will eat you.
Statement to the boss: “Please increase wages approximately 40 rubles monthly for the weekly purchase of the Rabota newspaper.
At work. Chief:
- Natasha, yesterday you did what I asked?
- No! Just don’t think that if I don’t do anything at work, this doesn’t mean that I don’t care about the common cause!
The boss says to the accountant:
- You have been working for me for more than 10 years, and you have never informed me about the desired increase in salary. What kind of strange things are you doing then?!
IN famous company hiring a new person. He tells the boss about himself in detail. The issue is almost resolved, and then the candidate says to the boss:
- I must also say that I am very superstitious...
The boss answers:
- It's good that you said it! I will order that your thirteenth salary will not be paid then!
Boss's phrase: “I have a great idea!” - a clear sign that you now have some kind of stupid job.
It happens that you look at your boss and think - you should spit in his face, but so as not to offend...
Boss to employee: “If I didn’t drink, I’d make you head of the department!”
Employee: “Why do I need this; If I drink, I actually feel like a CEO!”
It’s the height of the crisis, with cuts and cuts in salaries and positions all around.
A subordinate speaks to his superior.
- And I know why you constantly find fault with me...
- And why?
- And you want to take my place!!!
There is a beggar standing near the subway with a dirty hat in his hands. A well-dressed man walks by:
“Hello, Vasya,” he says, recognizing the beggar, “our entire company is still in admiration for how you courageously expressed your opinion to the director then.”
A boss is a person who always comes to work early when you are late, and is always late if you come to work early.
How many people work here?
- There are fifteen people with the foreman.
- How long does it take to work without a foreman?
- Nobody works here without a foreman.
The head of one company was asked why, when applying for a job, it is necessary to have higher education? To which he replied:
- You see, higher education is a guarantee that a person can do stupid and boring crap for five years in a row completely free of charge!
The employee greets the boss:
- Good evening, Pyotr Semenovich!
- What evening? It's morning now!
- As soon as I see you, it gets dark in my eyes.
Remember, if the boss comes at you, you need to tense 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to straighten your middle finger!
Do you know if our boss died?
- Yes, I already know. Since this morning I’ve been asking myself all the time, who died with him?
- How is it - together with him?
- The obituary says: “One of our best specialists died with him!”
What is the inequality between men and women at work?
- The boss has both of them, but only women go on maternity leave.
You're an hour late for work!
- My watch has stopped.
- Why didn’t you start them?
- How would I justify myself now?
In the director's office.
- They say that you go to the synagogue and pray for an increase in your salary?
- Yes, but why not?
- Can. But I don’t like it when they go over my head to higher authorities.
Do you know how to relax with the whole team on one trip? Drop in and buy a ticket for the boss!
Connect new tariff plan“Woodpecker”, and experienced telephone hooligans will call your beloved boss every 5 minutes.
One friend says to another:
- Yesterday I told my boss that I was dissatisfied with my salary.
- And what about the boss?
- He advised me to tell her about it directly.
Where do management come up with ideas if they cannot bring them to fruition?
The job is not a wolf, and the boss is not Little Red Riding Hood...
Arguing with your boss is like wrestling with a pig lying in the mud: at some point you notice that you are covered in mud while this pig is getting high!
Well, how are things at work?
- Don't ask. The boss wants us to work for three people. It's good that there are five of us...
The director calls his employee to him and tells him:
- I have two news for you - good and bad. Good - I'll double your salary. Bad - I'm firing you. Know now what a good place you have lost.
At a meeting, the boss says to his subordinates:
- Now everything will be decided through me!
One employee whispers in the ear of another:
- I would say more simply that now everything will be decided through one place.
Remember, the boss thinks faster than you! And while you're just thinking about it good decision, he already accepts the bad.
The boss of a large corporation reprimands a manager:
- You took on this matter, assured that everything would be as it should, but it turned out the opposite. How can you keep a person in the campaign who wants to do one thing, but he ends up doing something completely different? Try to justify yourself, although I will fire you anyway.
- I absolutely agree with you, chief. You can't work with people like that. But this is my first time. I can imagine what you would do with someone who tried to do something four times and got the exact opposite.
- I would personally throw it out the window.
- I have no doubt, boss. By the way, you always wanted a boy, and your fourth daughter was born. Congratulations!
- Thanks for the congratulations, buddy! Go to work.
Your boss is stupid, but it will be better for you if he doesn’t find out from you.
Boss:
- Did you do what I asked you yesterday?
- Yes, somehow it went unnoticed.
- Then today you will pass by the cash register.
Subordinate to boss:
- You simply have to raise my salary! Three companies are already interested in me!
- And what are they?
- Telephone, gas and electric.
The director tells the applicant for the position:
- Now we will pay you 120 dollars a month, and then it will be more.
- I'll probably come in later.
The boss calls the new employee and says:
- Take a broom and sweep here.
- Allow me! - the employee is indignant, - but I graduated from the university!
- Oh, right? Then I'll show you how it's done for the first time!
Director - employee of a recruitment agency.
- I need a chief accountant!
- What requirements do you have?
- So that I can sleep peacefully with him!
The boss is a person who constantly has a headache: during the day and evening - from work, and in the morning - from a stormy night.
Conversation between two clerks in the office:
- Our boss is a liar! But he is a fair man.
- How can a deceiver be a fair person?
- Very simple. He deceives everyone without exception.
The big boss comes into the room of his subordinates and, wanting to show his democracy, tells a joke. Everyone laughs, only one employee is silent. The neighbor pushes him in the side and asks:
- What are you doing?
- Why bother? I’m quitting tomorrow anyway...
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